


Never Want To Hear About It

by heavenlyspice



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst and Humor, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Light Angst, PTSD, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Post-Endgame, Protective Steve Rogers, Steve and Tony sexual tension I guess, Tony Stark Feels, mentions of past trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-24
Updated: 2019-03-29
Packaged: 2019-11-29 04:57:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18218519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heavenlyspice/pseuds/heavenlyspice
Summary: He tried ignoring their past, the stains that connected their lives together, but it's hard to leave a whole life behind. Things never get easier but at least they get better. She makes them better.Bucky lives with The Avengers and tries to figure out his own mess.





	1. Go On And Fool Me

**Author's Note:**

> Thanos got killed, and everybody who got dusted came back. The Avengers were fine and living together in the compound, just like the old days.  
> Assuming both Steve and Tony survived Endgame. As if.

Good, things were good.

Thanos brought destruction and loss to earth, but at least the incident forced the avengers to get back together as a team. Desperate times call for desperate measures, they say. Things went back to normal, like an old family reunion. Tony and Steve hugged each other, both murmuring apologies and similar things. They were all spending their days together again and without the government control.

Months have passed when Steve decided that he wanted to bring his best friend in, Bucky. He didn’t want him to be alone even when they saw each other regularly. Steve trusted him deeply, and thought that maybe it would be better having him around, more people, more security, everything he might need. Convincing Tony was a lost cause, but he surprisingly agreed. They sat face to face, both of them with a drink on their hand.

“Do you realize the thing you are asking me, Rogers?” the dark-haired man asked with a grimace.

“Of course, I do, Tony. That’s why I’m doing it” Steve was calm and not pushing. Tony looked at him a couple seconds, he was more understanding with him this time, a lot of things happened between these two years, including losing and getting back friends, family and half of the world’s population. But this thing was still complicated, it will always be.

“Not this shit again.” He stood up, giving Steve his back, flashbacks of the fight they had back then started appearing inside his mind, it was hard, very hard to think about. He didn’t want that again, and Steve surely didn’t either.

“Do you think you can forgive him one day?” Tony softened at his tone and turned around, facing him. “I know I failed you. But he was used. I know what you think, but it’s not his fault. I just want to help him” his expression was gentle. Tony understood that Bucky was more of a victim of HYDRA than anything else, and the people responsible for his parents’ deaths were the same responsible for Barnes’s suffering.

I bet you get everything you want with those puppy eyes, don’t you?” he exhaled deeply, closing his eyes, “don’t you dare thinking everything is forgiven. But you win. You are babysitting Barnes’s now”

A smile shyly crossed Steve’s face. “Thank you, Tony. I really mean it.”

“Yeah, don’t mention it, you are accountable for everything that asshole does now.”

A week later after that, Bucky accepted coming with Steve. They all tried to make him feel welcome, but keeping a certain distance, expecting the right moment to open up.

Sam tried to play it rough, mostly because he found it entertaining, but he was truly concerned about Bucky. Wanda was shy, but helped whenever she could. The girl had a lot of things inside her head but she wasn’t a bad person, and Vision was there for her as well, who was nice to everybody he came across. Clint and Scott weren’t really around anymore but they were nice with him when they met. It made sense since they all fought on the same side once.

On the other hand, Tony and Rhodes were distant, yeah not a surprise. But there was Natasha too, she had no reason to be sympathetic, but when Steve told her about Bucky living with them, she looked calm, the apparently more comfortable with his presence. Not exactly close, but accepted him. Compassionate, some would say that’s a weakness. Steve was very fond of Natasha, he could tell.

The captain walked along side with Bucky all around the compound, finishing with his room. He showed him all the new gadgets at his disposal, an incredible amount of technology everywhere. It was already dark outside when they stepped in.

“And?” Steve asked.

“You sure miss a lot in a couple years,” Bucky sat on the edge of the bed. The softest he ever felt.

“Yeah, you don’t have to tell me. I’ll leave you now, Buck, but you know where to find me.”

He nodded. “Okay. Thank you, Steve, for everything”

“Don’t worry about it,” Steve gave him a reassuring smile and left, Bucky laid down on the bed, staring at the ceiling for some minutes.

Everything was new and strange to him, he felt that he didn’t really belong. His eyes were closed and a deep sigh escaped from his mouth. Bucky couldn’t say no to Steve when he tried his best to have him around, give him the redemption he thinks he deserves. But he was better now, Bucky was no longer a tool to be used, Wakanda helped more than he ever thought, and he was eternally grateful to king T’Challa and Shuri who didn’t give up on him as well.

Then Natasha came to his mind. Bucky remembered when he saw her again on Wakanda, right before the disaster, her hair was different, blonde, less distinctive. She greeted him with a smile. He could tell it was sincere, and the image of her immobilizing T’Challa so him and Steve could escape came to his mind. She was always kind, he couldn’t forget that. He smiled to her in return. A hidden code between them he couldn’t just decipher yet.

Bucky started acknowledging the nature of their relationship years ago, putting the scattered memories together until they made some sense. He recalled training her and a bunch of young women on the red room, Russia. It was unpleasing to remember. Everything as the winter soldier was unpleasing to remember. But he met Natasha, Natalia, back then. Small redhead and quite different from the others, skilled and determined, but not soulless. During that time, he loved her, they loved each other deeply and it was probably the best thing Bucky could think of when he remembered Russia, but they were mere instruments with a mission and their masters wouldn’t permit any kind of distraction, much less something so mundane like romance. And when they found out, both of them were punished wiping off the memories of the love they once shared. James and Natalia met several times after that. Nothing more than blood, explosions and bullets between them.

“Buck? You there?”

Anyways. It doesn’t matter.

“Yeah, Steve.”

“Can I come in? I got you a drink.”

“Sure,” he sat on the edge once again, and his friend walked in and handed him a Coke.

“Were you sleeping?”

“No, but I intend to. Thanks for the drink, I missed those,” he smiled at his friend.

“It’s fine, have some rest, buddy.” Steve left, and Bucky opened the can, taking a sip. Cold and sugary.

He sometimes wondered if she remembered their past, the uncertainty annoyed him.

Whatever, he was worn out and he just wanted to rest.

-

Bucky woke up tangled on the sheets, the day was bright and his room felt cold. At least there were no bad dreams, or any dream at all. He slept well, but still felt exhausted. It’s something you get accustomed to.

Barnes cleaned himself and went for the kitchen, Steve showed him the way, man, this building was enormous.

He entered, finding Wanda, Vision and Natasha. She was on a chair drinking coffee while Wanda prepared her herbal tea and Vision waited for her.

“Good morning, sergeant Barnes,” Vision greeted. Natasha and Wanda turned around to see the dark-haired man approaching quietly. He wasn’t very fond of people calling him “sergeant Barnes” but at this point it didn’t really matter, it was too early for anything.

“Hey.”

“Good morning.” 

“Morning,” Bucky answered to all of them. He went straight to the coffee pot, programmed it as Steve said and waited on the counter. He could get used to the technology.

“Did you enjoy the brownies?” Vision asked Wanda.

“Yes, they were nice but I think I ate too much,” she gave him a warm look, “just let me add the sugar and I’m done.”

“Of course,” Vision observed her as she stirred the cup. Their relationship was interesting to watch.

“Okay, let’s go Vis. See you later.” She smiled gently to both of them.

“Have a good day, miss Romanoff, sergeant Barnes.”

“You too,” Natasha answered and Bucky nodded as they left the room.

He could feel her eyes on him, the burning sensation made him swallow, pressing his lips together trying to hold the building anxiety on the atmosphere.

“And what do you think of the place?” Natasha broke the silence, she had no problem in making conversations with him. No tension, no discomfort, and not a single hair out of place.

“It’s nice, bigger than I thought,” he smiled.

She smiled back, nodding. “I see.” Neither of them moved their eyes off each other, she was sort of studying him and he wasn’t sure on how to keep the conversation. When the machine made a sound, he turned around concentrating on making his beverage while she took another sip of hers.

 

_“I love you, Natalia. I don’t care if they send me away for it”_

_“What are you saying, James?”_

_“That I love you, Natalia, more than you’d ever known”_

 

“You okay with that?”

_Get back to reality._

“Hm?”

“With the machine.”

“Ah, it’s fine, Steve told me how to use it.”

“Good.” He started adding some sugar to his cup. Silence fell between them again and he felt slightly uncomfortable, it was the first time he was truly alone with her presence since he got his memories in order. He remembers shooting at her too.

Bucky finished and proceed to walk away, only stopped by her words.

“You are leaving already? You didn’t even eat,” he was hungry but would probably return later.

“Yes, I just came for this.”

“Oh, okay. Have good day.”

“Thanks, same for you,” he answered with a light smile and walked away with the cup under his human grip.

The memories of the people he once knew appeared frequently. He knew that he would have to bear with those things inside his head, but it was better than being lost.

He kept on walking while taking short sips of his coffee, burning his tongue. Steve promised him a walk outside around town and visit some old bookstores along with a lot of other places, as usual. Steve was more than happy to have his buddy around, being able to talk to him, make him company, anything. Bucky felt grateful to have him around as well.

He entered his room, finished his coffee and changed his clothes to met Steve in a couple minutes.

On the other side of the compound, Tony was working on a strange project inside his lab, Natasha approached him quietly but made sure that he acknowledged her presence.

“Natasha. Are you stalking me?”

“Kind of.”

“Okay, spill it, what do you want?” Tony took off his red goggles.

“I’m here to talk you about something.”

“Which is?” his tone suspicious.

“About the assignment. We need to bring Barnes over. I know you don’t want him, but I want you to think it through,” she got closer and crossed her arms on her chest.

Since the Avengers were no longer under the government’s restraint, they didn’t really go on missions, not officially at least, they were mostly underground, away from the spotlight, and lately there were reports about an organization selling illegal weapons, everything well valued on the black market. Lots of people and lots of security.

“What? Bring Barnes to the mission?”

“Exactly.”

“Why on earth would you ask that?” he frowned.

“Because Barnes has the skills. I’ve seen it. It could be of use on the missions, especially this one, Tony. He’s quiet, he’s fast and strong for sure.”

“Yeah, maybe he has been living here for free too long, don’t you think? I only have him here because Steve asked me with that face of his. But he refuses to let him go, perhaps he’s still afraid that I want kill him.”

“And do you?” She raised an eyebrow playfully.

“Meh, I have better things to worry about, call it growth,” his tone showed no hints of anger. Just his casual self.

She let out a muffled sound. “Good to hear”

“Natasha, I’ve got to tell you, you are really rocking the blonde, but I miss the red,” he gestured to her head.

“I’m serious,” a slight smile on her face.

“And do you want me to talk to Barnes & Noble? What a waste of my time, Natasha” Tony put on his goggles again and continued working on his thing.

“Just talk to Steve, he’ll say yes to anything you ask him.”

He snickered, “I wish. And if metal man doesn’t want to?”

“I think he will. It’s worth trying at least, you’ll thank me for it”

“I still don’t buy it.” Tony murmured as she walked away.

-

It was night again. Dark colored sky and cold breezes dancing around. Steve and Bucky arrived only minutes ago, they were both worn out, and Rogers was happy with a new book about god knows what.

Bucky walked his way to the room, freezing. He changed his clothes and lay completely on the bed. He didn’t turn the tv on, tried sleeping but hours passed and there were no results. He hated when this happened, Barnes was exhausted, but it was like his body disagreed with him. Lights on, shit, it was nearly 2 am. A sigh in defeat was audible on the room, and he left. There were probably still people working this late, Bucky thought as he walked down the hallway. The sky looked pretty tonight, he could tell from behind of one of those big glass panels on the building. Everything was quiet and nice, it made him feel somewhat nostalgic.

Well, he kept on moving, wondering if hot chocolate would do any good. When he arrived, Bucky looked for the ingredients, grabbed a mug and started preparing it. The appliances were no much of trouble for him, Steve explained every single one to him. Maybe Rogers felt lost when he came out of the ice, all this new technology and nobody to explain it, perhaps he didn’t want Bucky to go through the same. He also told him that adding little marshmallow or whipped cream with a pinch of cinnamon was delicious. He smelled the final product, the aroma was sweet and soft, tasting it was even better, the cinnamon gave the precise amount of spice on this tongue. Now everything was sweeter.

Bucky walked out, thinking about going back to his place, watch tv or something.

“Barnes?” A familiar voice called. He turned around seeing Natasha. He didn’t really hear her coming, and if he wasn’t so tired, he would say that she was looking for him.

“Hm? oh, hey”

“What are you doing this late?” She came a little closer.

He showed her his cup with a lazy smile on his face, “for better sleep, they say.”

“You think you can make me one of those?” Natasha asked in a strange good manner.

He felt surprised and suspicious at her request, “um, sure.” They barely walked since Bucky didn’t get far from the kitchen. “Do you want the same one?”

“Yeah, that’ll be good.” He started making the hot drink, her curious eyes never leaving his hands, but he didn’t feel uncomfortable under her gaze.

“Can I ask you a question?” her tone made a shiver run through his body, but only nodded in response. Please not. “Would you go on a mission with us?”

He felt something like relief and disappointment, “I don’t know. Why?” He was adding the whipped cream to her mug.

“We were talking about it earlier, and perhaps you would make a good addition to the team.”

He thought about asking her, about their past. What did she really think of him now? But not right now.

“I could, if they really needed me. I don’t think Stark likes me very much, but I understand.” Bucky smiled at Natasha and handed her the mug, as she received it with a smile as well.

“Thank you. And he’s just a hard nut to crack. He wants you to prove yourself, even when you don’t have to.” Natasha tasted the chocolate showing a delightful expression that Bucky found gorgeous. “We all deserve second chances in life, if not, we would all be dead,” she talked about him but at the same time about everything that happened with Thanos and all the efforts they had they make to bring everything back to normal. He liked her way of saying things.

“Damn right.” Bucky took another sip of his chocolate.

There was something soothing on her presence. Calmness. The familiar feeling he had.

“Okay, thank you for this, hope you can get some rest,” she gave him a friendly grin.

“I hope so, thank you.” Natasha left and Bucky just realized that he wasn’t really sure about how to call her yet. Was Natalia too much? Widow? Romanoff? Everybody called her Natasha but Natalia meant something special to him. It was still too much, and he didn’t even ask what was she doing this late as well. Bucky just walked his way to his room, and laid down, watching tv until he fell asleep.

_"Come on, James. Stay with me tonight."_

_"Every day I have left."_


	2. The Sweetest Dream Will Never Do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mission kind of chapter. Memories swinging around.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today's title was inspired by I Don't Want To Miss A Thing by Aerosmith. Good song y'all.

It was near 9am when Maria Hill reunited the team with a fresh report regarding the organization they were currently investigating. Bucky wasn’t included because they didn’t really know if he wanted to be there, or if Tony was okay with it. Whatever, they discussed the info, this meeting was one of last ones before they left.

“Okay, everyone’s good? Good. Now move it out, I want to work” Tony ordered. “Not you Rogers, I need you for a moment.” Everybody started leaving while Steve waited with a puzzled face.

“What is it, Tony?”

“Where is your robot friend? Why didn’t you bring him?” Steve raised his eyebrows in surprise and confusion.

“What? I didn’t know you wanted him here.”

“Yeah, yeah. Listen, he’s been living here and all, but he must help us at least. Go on a little mission, see if he’s helpful, you know, those kinds of things,” Tony sounded so confident, even when Natasha had to convince him about it.

“I don’t think he should.”

“Didn’t you fight on Wakanda against those disgusting aliens?” he crossed his arms over his chest.

“Yes, but it was different.”

“Come on, Steve, he’s living here, let the man be of use. Have you asked him at least?”

“No. No I haven’t.”

“Okay, listen, we are having another meeting like at five, tell him or something.”

“Sure,” Steve nodded and thought for a second. “But why this now?”

Tony snorted, “why do you care?”

Steve giggled and shook his head in amusement, “I’m getting breakfast with Sam, want to join?”

“Thank you, Steve, but I already had a coffee.”

“That’s not breakfast, Tony.”

“Yeah, but I need to work. I’ll save the breakfast coupon for later.”

“Sure,” he started to walk away. “Just don’t over do it, eat a real meal once in a while”

“Thanks,” Tony answered bitterly.

-

Bucky woke up refreshed. Nights here were almost satisfying. He’s been sleeping here two times, but there was something on the bed that gave him this placid feeling, no sweet dreams, but certainly not nightmares either. And that was enough.

He got up and showered, the sensation of hot water against his skin was highly pleasant, everything cold made him feel uncomfortable. Then he put on his clothes and left the room. The hunger was rising up loudly on his stomach, and found himself hoping that Natasha would be in the kitchen. To his disappointment, she wasn’t, and he could see Sam making a shake with unknown ingredients while Steve laughed from the table.

“Hey, man” Steve greeted.

“If it isn’t the sleeping beauty.” Sam teased.

“Shut up” Bucky took a toast and made himself a coffee. Steve watched the way he naturally moved. He pursed his lips and played with an empty mug.

“Can you ask him already?” Sam barked in exasperation, earning a silent but scolding look from Steve, while Bucky narrowed his eyes in confusion at them.

“I wanted to ask you if you’d like to come to an assignment with us, Tony asked me to.” Bucky was surprised, and asked himself if Natasha had anything to do with it. Steve on the other hand, wasn’t aware of the talk any of them had, including hers and Stark’s. “It’s that okay with you?”

“Yeah, why not? It’ll be fun.” Quite a questionable answer, but maybe it would be fun, do something once in a while.

“Well, if you are up for it, me and Sam are going to the city and buy some stuff”

“Thanks, but I’d rather stay here”

“Really? What are you going to do?”

“You say it like he has things to do” Sam interrupted and Bucky tried to ignore him.

“I don’t know really” He bit the toast. “Clean up my weapons, I guess.”

“Ugh, you are just like Nat.” Sam grunted.

Bucky unintentionally raised an eyebrow “How so?”

“She does that exact same thing. With everything”

Bucky wasn’t surprised, and remembered that he still had her gun somewhere.

“Oh. Well, it is important”

“Steve, can we go? I want to be back before lunch” Sam insisted with a childish voice.

“Okay, okay” Steve stood up and patted Bucky on the shoulder. “See you at five then, Buck.”

“Yeah, don’t kill yourself on the meantime.” Sam added with a sarcastic grin.

“Please. Just go already.”

“Bye” Steve smiled at his friend and he returned the gesture.

The room was empty now. It was his first time alone there.

With a cup of coffee between with hands, he observed the kitchen, feeling kind of lonely. With the amount of people living there, you get accustom to company. That’s one of the things he liked about the place. Bucky tasted the hot liquid between his mismatched hands, nice, everything here was delicious.

He remembered making Natasha her hot chocolate here last night. She was a mystery, always been and that’s kind of her mystique, always close enough to you, like a shadow. And he missed that, her, but couldn’t even think about taking the words out, couldn’t stand the thought. The guilt followed him around, he was responsible for her suffering, finding sickening the idea of confessing those memories to Natasha. Probably she doesn’t even think about him. He really hoped that she didn’t. He’s never been any good to nobody, especially her.

Well.

Bucky left the empty cup on the counter and moved. The noise of his shoes sounded unusually louder on his ears. Sometimes every feeling he had hit him all at once, and Bucky couldn’t help it but distance himself. There were inevitable consequences of all those years of damage that not even Wakanda could fix. Shuri said that time will heal everything sooner or later.

Everything was overwhelming sometimes. Old images of Steve, war, murders, Russia, and now Natasha. _Natalia_. At least he wasn’t losing his mind yet.

But no, it was okay. He breathed out and cursed himself. He wondered where she was right now though.

-

When Steve and Sam arrived a couple hours later, they showed Bucky all the stuff they bought, mostly clothes though. Not really important.

Then they proceed to go to the meetings room, not late but apparently everybody was early. Or that’s what Sam always said.

“Okay, now we are all here” Hill stated. She was on charge of this things, while Fury preferred to stay in the shadows waiting the big moments to show up, he was still astounded by Carol's visit to earth. Anyways, they finally had all the information regarding an organization located on a remote place with lots of undergrounds buildings. They were going to go at night, near eight o’clock. finishing with the strategies and the last details. Steve grabbed Bucky’s shoulder softly as they were all leaving.

“Hey, are you sure about this?” He couldn’t hide the concern on voice. Soft.

“Yeah, it’s fine, Steve, we handled aliens back then, it’s going to be alright.” He grinned at his friend, who relaxed his face at the response.

“Good, good” he answered and let him walk alone. Bucky could hear him talking with Tony at the back.

“So, you are finally listening to me, Steve. Took you long enough, don’t you think?”

“Please”

“Hey, can I use the breakfast coupon now? I’m kind of hungry, and god, I’m dying for some pasta.”

“I can’t possibly believe you, Tony.”

“Come on, old man, it’s not that late.”

“Did you at least have something after I specifically told you to?”

“Who cares? You want to eat or not?”

“Yeah.”

The fuck where they even talking about? Weird people, Bucky thought.

Oh, he could see Natasha walking from here. Her hairstyle was something different but anything looked good on her. Her hips swinging slightly with swift steps. You could never hear her coming unless she wanted you to know, that’s’ for sure.

-

The time to go finally came, they reunited outside next to the quinjet. Bucky was dressed for the occasion, all his weapons in place.

“I would had loved to call Strange to make us a portal” Stark joked.

“Come on.” Steve interrupted him trying hard to not smile.

“Shut up, you didn’t see it.”

They hoped on the quinjet, getting in places.

“Okay, what’s the plan?” Steve asked.

“We should split. The place is big enough and mostly underground, we need people watching outside too.” Natasha affirmed with a serious tone.

“Yeah, Tony, any ideas?”

“I will go straight to the boss. He probably has a lot of big toys there.”

“I’ll go too. If there’s a mess inside, they will call more people to take us down. Sam, you and Rhodes will check on that. Bucky, you have great aim with, can you stay outside helping them?” He nodded in response. “Nat, you will take down the guys that keep on coming inside. Wanda, you and Vision will do the same but on the other side of the building.” They all agreed to the plan.

They arrived in short time. The place was dark, humid, no lighting and some buildings around but no one was living there, abandoned. The team started moving, and Natasha glanced at Bucky trying to read his expression and body language, but he seemed calm, like this wasn’t a big deal, and probably wasn’t.

She walked smoothly to his side. He could feel her shoulders grazing his arm, clenching his fist in response.

“You look very relaxed, you sure you are okay?” she looked at him up and down with a smirk on her face.

“Steve didn’t ask you to check on me, did he?” to his surprise she gave him a soft laugh and he showed a warm smile in return. Every expression she made was a sight for sore eyes. A grin, a giggle or even the spark on her eyes were endearing.

“No, but really, how do you feel with all of this?” her strong but feminine voice produced a calming effect on him.

He thought before answering, “I’m prepared, this is nothing new.”

“Confident, huh? That’s good.” He looked at her fondly. She was tiny. But knew her abilities, Natasha could kill anybody she wanted. Damned the man that underestimated her.

He shrugged, “not really. I guess It’s just something I have to do, but it’s fine.” Bucky smiled timidly and met her eyes, sharing brief seconds of closeness. What are the things going through her mind right now?

“Good luck, then.”

“I wish.”

They divided as they planned, expecting the signal. Bucky was shooting with his sniper, while Sam and Rhodes were attacking from air. A significant number of men with big guns were against them, but nothing they haven’t encountered before.

“It’s clear here” Sam stated.

“Okay, let’s move” Steve said to the device on his ear.

Tony with the Iron man suit was leading the way, Steve right behind him, and Natasha stayed close to the entrance while Wanda took the other access. Lots of people with explosives and guns appeared, but Tony and Steve handled them easily in a couple minutes. They took the information from the computers, and destroyed the weapon’s designs, no big deal. Soon enough they finished.

“Bucky, how is it looking up there?” Steve asked.

“Some keep on appearing, but it’s under control.”

“Good. We’re done here.”

Tony, Steve were leaving. They reunited outside, since part of the building was now on flames. Nat was the first one to arrive, Sam, and Rhodey were quickly the next ones, followed by Wanda and Vision, and finally Bucky.

“Where’s the mastermind?” Rhodes asked.

“Not here, apparently. We checked the whole building and there’s nothing. At least everything got destroyed, so I would say it’s something,” Tony answered.

“Yeah, but we needed the man.”

“Want to go inside again? I’ll watch you from here.”

They distracted themselves talking, Bucky could hear a tickling sound, he searched for the source but there was nothing, fuck, was it a bomb? Fuck, fuck. Where? There. On the ground was little black device with a little red light, right next to Tony’s feet. Shit, on impulse he pushed Stark, the artefact detonated as predicted and Bucky flew and hit the ground, injured and unconscious. His head and right arm took the impact. Everything happened so fast that none of them could react.

“Bucky!” Steve rushed to his friend on the dusty floor. No response from him. Natasha ran and bent down trying to check on him, she moved his head right and left, expecting to get a reaction. He was unconscious, but at least he was breathing.

“We need to take him now.” Natasha dictated, and everybody started moving.

“Shit,” Tony muttered, he quickly got up and examined the now burned artefact on the ground. It was barely visible. “It wasn’t only bad luck; the area is probably full of them. How come we didn’t realize? FRIDAY, care to explain?”

No, the talk could wait, Stark quickly carried Bucky to the quinjet, Natasha and Sam turned on the engines and left. They had to come back home, there was no sign of human life around in miles. Everybody was caught off guard, and Tony blamed himself for not noticing. Steve did as well. He was sitting beside Bucky on the floor, elbows resting on his tights, and Natasha could feel the amount of guilt on his shoulders.

“We’re almost there, Steve.” Natasha tried to comfort him.

“This shouldn’t have happened. I should’ve been paying attention,” he muttered.

“He’s going to be fine.”

 

Twenty minutes passed and they arrived to the compound. Bucky was put on a bed with things connected to his body and a woman bandaging him up. He was stable, but wouldn’t wake up yet. Steve watched him, biting his lips and with his arms crossed on his chest. Anxious, anxious, anxious.

“How is he? What did they tell you?” Natasha asked as she entered the room.

“He burned his right arm, and hit his head but nothing critical, the shock affected him more than nothing,” he sighed, “but he should be waking up soon.”

“You need to give it time,” her voice was soothing.

“Did you know that Tony has checked on him more than three times already?” a sad smile appearing on his face that only seemed to spark the melancholy on his eyes.

“I wouldn’t be surprised, he was truly worried.”

He pressed his lips together, “yeah”

“Don’t blame yourself for this, we all got distracted, he was the only one paying attention”

“And he paid for it.” There was pain on his words, and Natasha remained silent.

“Steve?” Both of them turned to see Sam on the entrance. “Hill is asking for you.”

“Okay. Bye Natasha.” He started walking away with Sam by his side.

She studied the man on the bed for a couple seconds, something like compassion inside her. Natasha couldn’t help but feel guilty, after convincing Tony to bring him, and then convincing Bucky to come, telling him that everything was going to be alright. She felt somewhat responsible, but she really wanted him to get better. Natasha brushed her fingers against his metal shoulder before walking away in silence.

 

_“Faster. You’ll get killed.”_

_A kick flew once again, the man twisted her leg and the woman hit the ground._

_“Get up. You can do better.”_

_“Please kiss me, Natalia. Kiss me more.” They were lying on a cold bed. The chill in the air encouraged them to get closer. The only source of light coming from outside the window._

_“James… They’ll kill us for this or worst.”_

_“It doesn’t matter as long as I’m here with you,” he placed a gentle kiss on her hand._

_“I don’t want to lose you.”_

_“You won’t. You will be always by my side, as I will be in yours.”_

_He leaned over her, and she kissed him deeply, almost fearing that he might escape from her grasp right there._

_A soft whisper on his ear. “I love you.”_

 


	3. I Don't Care If You Really Care As Long As You Don't Go

Bucky opened his eyes, his head felt heavy, groaning in pain. Examining the room, he could tell it was day already. Bright and cold, the place was big enough but the bed smaller than his own. The man studied his body, noticing his right arm bandaged. Feeling confused and panicked, a sudden urge to escape hit him, standing quickly on his feet.

“Bucky? Bucky! What are you doing!? You just woke up, take it easy, buddy.” Oh, Steve. Bucky startled at the voice, turning around to see his friend getting closer. He was home, it was okay.

“Steve.”

“Sit down, I don’t want you to pass out,” he was exaggerating, but Bucky did as he was told. “And? How everything?” Steve asked leaning against the wall.

“I don’t know, my head hurts like hell. How long was I asleep?”

“Couple hours. The contusion was bad enough. Wait until a doctor comes. Don’t be reckless. ‘kay? You’ve done enough.”

“Yeah. Thank you. What’s this for?” he moved his right arm.

“You burned yourself. It’s not that bad, but leave it there for a while.”

“Doesn’t hurt though, but I’ll leave it there if that stops you from scolding me,” a smile finally appeared on Steve’s face.

“You know, everybody was worrying about you. They’ll be happy to know that you are okay,” Bucky’s eyes sparkled a little, something like hope inside them, “are you hungry? I’ll tell them to bring you something”

“That’ll be pretty damn good, Steve.”

He chortled softly, “okay, let me know when you get out of here.”

“Got it.”

Steve, always worrying, sometimes a little too much. And Natasha, how was she? Was she okay? She appeared on his dream. More like his memories, recalling those bittersweet images that have been following him long enough. Her presence was a guilty pleasure, painful but somehow tranquilizing. He couldn’t decide which one.

But it was hard. He felt like he was buried in the past, loving something that was nothing more than a coincidence on his shattered life. Natasha would never look at him with those fascinating eyes of her again, green and full of hope. There were no come backs, not anymore.

Bucky could forget about their past and live with the blonde woman he met again, it was even easier for him, with his memories and dreams as a constant reminder of a broken life, a failed attempt of being human, trying to ignore everything that’s happened was the most reasonable thing to do, but damn it, he could still feel her kisses and caresses every time he faced her, hear her lovely whispers on his ear every time she spoke. Bucky missed it more and more every day.

But he was probably overthinking it too much.

“Mister Barnes?” a man with a white robe appeared.

“Hm?”

“Hello there, well, you look good, you are not as injured as we thought, and you are healing fast. How do you feel?” the doctor asked him.

“My head hurts a little, but fine I guess.”

“Good. You can stay and rest a little, which I recommend, or you can leave, but if you do, please be careful and don’t make any sudden moves, you are just recovering.”

“I will.”

“Oh, and take these, they will make everything better,” the doctor said and handed him some pills before he left.

Bucky swallowed the pills and drank some water from the glass over the small table at his left. How do you make things better? He didn’t want to cause any more problems, especially to her. But no, any of that mattered, at least she was around, and he’s good if he can see her smile once in a while. Let her live in peace, without the awful images of her past following her around.

He calmly stood up, changed his clothes, and left. Bucky didn’t like the “medical room” he was in, the smell, the feeling, he wasn’t sure, but there was something bothering him.

Wanda saw him walking in the hallway, and immediately ran to him. Asked him how was he feeling, or if he needed anything. Bucky couldn’t react properly but really appreciated her concern. He thanked her and parted ways. Maybe Steve wasn’t wrong after all. Oh, right. He needed tell Steve that he left. Where could he be? His room?

“Barnes,” he turned around to see the man calling his name. It was Stark. When he got closer, Bucky could notice how small he looked. How small he was without the suit.

“Yeah?”

“Hey. I see that you are good. And I wanted to thank you, you know, for pushing me away, saving my life, and blowing up in the process. It’s hard for me to say it, but I think you understand, right?” Tony played with his hands as he spoke.

“Yes, and it’s fine, I get it,” a shy but warm expression appeared on his face.

“Yeah, I mean, I got distracted and… Well, how’s the…” He gestured with his hand indicating the head.

“Good, I took some pills, and need some rest, I’m not dying, that’s all.”

“And the arm, the metal one. I can check it out and, I don’t know, upgrade it, if you want.”

“Thanks for the offer, but Wakandan technology doesn’t let me down,” Bucky smiled sincerely at him. It was generous, but no one could do it better than Shuri. Her and T’Challa crossed his mind quite often. He missed Wakanda sometimes.

“Ugh, right, I forgot.” Tony grunted and started to walk, “well, the offer is right there, Barnes. Let me know if you need anything.” There was no trace of anger or resentment towards Bucky and it made him feel better.

“I will,” he could feel Stark’s intentions, he just wanted to do the right thing, Tony wasn’t bad but there were some things that screwed him up, especially the thing about his parents, and finding out what really happened. Just the thought of that made Bucky wince in pain. However, he really tried doing good. “hey, have you seen Steve?”

“Yeah, I think he is in that room doing who knows what,” Tony indicated.

“Thanks.” Both of them walked on their own direction, and Bucky got quietly inside the room. A big couch, nice coffee table. Meh, another one of the common rooms.

“Steve? You here?”

“Hey, Barnes,” Natasha welcomed him nicely, he didn’t really see her and there was no sight of Steve, “he was here just a moment ago, went to Tony’s lab.” She was sitting on the couch reading some documents. Black tank top and some slightly greyer leggings. 

“Really? I just encountered Stark on the hallway.”

“Then I guess Steve won’t come back any time soon. But you can wait here, keep me company at least.”

“Yeah,” he walked in and sat down close enough to her, watching curiously the papers on her hands. “What’re you doing there?”

“Reading some files, checking information, Steve was supposed to do this too, but apparently Tony’s more important,” Natasha claimed as she gazed at the man at her right for several seconds before putting the documents down. “I didn’t get to ask, how are you?”

He shrugged with a lazy smile on his face, “I’m not dead, so I guess I’m fine.” 

“And how do you really feel, did the sleep do any good? And please give me a real answer.”

He looked down and chuckled shyly, “good. I mean, I’m better. My head was a bag of crap, but they gave me some pills and it should be fine now. The sleep was good but too much for my taste.”

“Yeah, I would say that too,” she gave him a reassuring smile and went back to the files, reading and occasionally writing things with her black pen. There was something amusing on the way she did her things, so casual and so close, like a normal human being. Bucky watched her, and Natasha pretended not to notice, but she didn’t mind.

“Everybody I have come across was worried. They’d think I was dead.”

“We did,” both of them laughed at her comment.

“You know…” The doubt on his voice could be easily spotted. “I dreamt of you.”

“Really?” A playful smile crossed her face. “And what did you exactly dream?”

“It’s hard to tell,” he changed his tone abruptly, avoiding her eyes and Natasha could tell there was something bothering him. Her expression changed in concern.

“You can tell me. Was it bad?”

He bit the inner part of lip. “No. It was more than a dream. I mean, I know it wasn’t. But…” His voice trailed off. Okay fuck it. “I need to know if you remember our… time together,” she was astounded at that sudden confession of his, “No,” he exhaled and shook his head. Regret. “You don’t have to answer. I know how much I’ve hurt you, and you don’t want to hear ab- “

“Yes,” she interrupted and his mouth remained opened. “I do remember.” Natasha answered with a complete serious tone. Bucky didn’t know how to answer and he got his eyes fixed on her without a response.

“Oh, I… I’m sorry, I just…”

“No, it’s fine,” she tried reading the emotions that went through his pale blue eyes, “how did you get them?”

“Um, way back. Images started appearing inside my head and I tried to put things in order, just like everything. It wasn’t easy,” he involuntarily glimpsed at the door then back at her.

“It never is.”

Oh, of course, she understood how that felt.

And what now? Should he apologize to her? Tell her how much he used loved her? How much he missed her?

“Do you want to talk about it?” she asked on a low voice.

“No, I mean those memories are as bad to me as they are to you, Natalia, and- “

“Natalia…” she muttered to herself and Bucky just realized what he just said. It was okay with her, apparently. “So, only bad things?”

“No. No, of course not. You were, _are_ , a pleasant memory. You made my life more bearable, I can assure you that. But I don’t think it was the other way around,” he grinned at her with such impregnated sadness that made her chest ache.

“No, don’t say that.”

“And what about you? I remember that they put you away too.” _Kind of remember._

“Yes, they messed up with my head, but after I left, everything came back to me. I didn’t think I would get to see you again,” she raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah, I’m sorry for shooting you, and trying to kill you a couple times.” That made the corner of her mouth quiver into something like a smile, “you never thought about telling me?”

“How could I? For me you just were gone, and Steve was enough burden for you.” Bucky didn’t mean to accuse her, he knew perfectly well that she didn’t owe him nothing, but he just wanted to know stuff. Make up for the lost time.

“Can’t argue you that.”

He relaxed on the couch, stretching his legs. Her eyes showed nostalgia, while his showed fear. He was afraid of disappointment, reject.

“What did you think when you saw me again, after you remembered?” Her voice changed into something soft and gentle. A thousand words crossed his head. _Everything._

He bit his lips and looked somewhere else. “I don’t know. But I can tell you what I think about you right now.”

“Go on.” She smirked cockily.

“You are good, Natalia. Strong. Steve has told me about the things you’ve done. And you are as beautiful as I remember,” Bucky reached out for her hair, brushing the blonde locks with his fingertips, grazing her cheek, “do you think we could…” He tried, man, he really did.

“James,” That name. Countless times she whispered his name on his ear, his neck, and her voice full of lust while both of them laid in the dark. Those memories. “That was a lifetime ago, I’m not the same the woman I was. Everything is different now. I can’t.” That hit him hard, he knew perfectly what she meant. Fuck, he shouldn’t have said all of this.

He pulled back his hand, falling over his tight. “And I’m not the same man I was back then. I guess I never was him,” he looked for the words to continue, pressing his lips together for a moment, “and if I got to decide one thing in my life, it was you, Natalia, I will never regret that, but… You’re right, that was a lifetime ago, wasn’t it?” Bucky tried to hide the sadness on his voice, but Natasha noticed on his eyes.

Steve appeared walking suddenly but not hearing the conversation. “I’m so sorry, Nat, I didn’t mean to take that lo-. Oh,” he saw his friend sitting next to the blonde woman, both of them with their eyes on the door, the atmosphere was a little heavy, he felt completely out of place, “I didn’t know you were here, Bucky. So, you did a doctor see you?” Steve glanced at Natasha, her expression quite unreadable.

“Yeah, they gave me some medicine,” he stood up, the urge to escape was there again, “I was waiting for you. You told me to come by. Do you know where my stuff is?”

“Your room, we left everything there, buddy.”

“I see, bye then.”

“Yeah, take care of yourself.”

Bucky left the room, her eyes followed him all the way out. Steve sat on the couch right next to Natasha.

“So, are you going to tell me what was that about?” Not an accusing tone, but demanding for sure.

“What do you mean? He was waiting for you.” Natasha grabbed the documents she was previously reading, trying to avoid Steve’s insistent eyes.

A long moment passed before Steve spoke again. “So?”

“Nothing, just talking things from the past.”

“Oh. Was it bad?”

She sighed and leaned back on the couch, relaxing her muscles. “No. I don’t know. Let’s just keep on working.”


	4. It Ain't Over 'Till Over It's Over

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title inspired on the Lenny Kravitz's song

Delicate steps outside, Buck felt somewhat lost, disoriented on his own place. He shouldn’t have opened his mouth, goddamnit. When the door of his room opened, he threw himself on the bed, not even taking off his shoes. So, what now?

Knock, knock.

Bucky grunted. “What?”

“Hey, chilly boy, I need your help. I need to move some stuff at my place and Steve is busy.” Sam asked from the other side of the door. 

“Isn’t there another person for you to bother, dumbass?” Bucky got up and went for the door, closing it behind him.

“Yeah, you are like the last person I’d ask. What happened? Are you cranky?”

“Shut up, you want me to help you or not?”

“Yeah.”

Sam’s room was neat and ordered. They moved two minibars inside. Falcon excused himself saying that he needed to keep his stuff there. Nutrition was something serious. Anyways, they were done, and Bucky couldn’t even reach the door before somebody got in. Steve. 

“Bucky? What are you doing here?” the blond man asked with a smile.

“Sam is too weak to move a little refrigerator, and you were busy.”

“You are so mean,” Sam remarked from far away.

“Well, I already did my part, so I’m out.” Bucky stated.

Sam nodded. “Yeah, thanks, man.”

“Hey, before you leave, I forgot to tell you, I think you left your pills back there.”

“Shit, did I?”

“Yes, I can’t believe you leave those things around, Buck.”

“Yeah, I know. I’ll go.”

Fuck, why this now? What a day. _Please don’t be there, don’t be._

Once again in the same room, stepping quickly, Natasha was leaning against the wall reading the same documents she was reading a while ago. He grabbed the small pill bottle trying to not make a sound, of course she noticed.

“Barnes. What happened?”

“Romanoff.” He could sense the subtle way she squinted her eyes at the name, her burning gaze directly on him. “Pills.” Bucky shook little the bottle and turned around quickly, he wasn’t even going to try to look at her, she could still bring him to his knees anytime.

“Oh, I…” she didn’t even get to finish her sentence before he flew away.

Bucky wasn’t angry at all, he understood her reasons, and she was completely right, and maybe forgetting everything that’s happened between them was for the best.

He was walking on the hallway once again, sighting in exhaustion. Bucky stopped his brooding when the stiff sound of boots was getting louder and louder behind him. He repressed the automatic defense response and ignored the sound. Somebody suddenly grabbed his right arm. Natasha. She had a glower and had clear intentions of confrontation. He looked down in confusion, taking a step back.

“Hey, so are you just going to avoid me? That’s how it is?” her voice was strong and rough.

“What? No, It’s-”

“Listen, I said things are different now because they are. I don’t want to hurt you, and I don’t want to hurt myself. Don’t hate me for that.”

“Natalia, I would never hate you or try hurt you. It’s just that it’s not easy living with all those memories inside my head and pretend nothing ever happened. I understand that you don’t want to be tied up to your past, especially me. But I got it, I’ll leave you alone.”

Natasha stared deep into his eyes. Blueish, so emotional but so cold at the same time. She softened her facial expression. “I don’t try to pretend nothing ever happened. I loved you, I really did, James,” something twitched inside of him. And it didn’t matter the situation, his name sounded terribly charming on her lips, “I’m not running from my past. I want you in my life. You remind of… many things. We come from the same place, and we both ended up here.”

“Yeah, Steve is a common factor too.”

She looked down and smiled faintly, leaving room for a large moment of silence.

“I don’t think we need it to be the same,” he murmured.

“No, we don’t.”

“Then?”

“Then…” She moved her eyes somewhere else, looking for the words to continue. Cold breezes running through the corridor.

“I still think about you. I always do,” he was being blatantly honest with her, Bucky didn’t care at this point.

“James…”

He gently grabbed her hand and brought it to his mouth, placing a soft and sweet kiss on it. She could feel his lips warm and chapped.

“I’m not asking anything from you, Natalia,” the man laced their fingers together, rubbing the back of her hand with his thumb, making her repress a shiver. “I just want you close, nothing else matters,” he was being so emotional and sensitive, a wave of nostalgia hit her.

“You could never leave my life,” she let out a muffled sound, “always there one way or another.”

“Do you think that some things are just meant to be?”

“I don’t know.”

She slowly let go of his hand to touch his face, smoothly sliding down through his jaw, neck and then her hand falling like a feather on his right shoulder. His heartbeat was getting more and more heavy every second passed. He could sense the pressure on his ears and begged that she didn’t feel his desperation rising up.

Her eyes were burningly intense. A cold kind of green with small flecks of brown he doesn’t remember seeing before. How much has he missed them? Bucky opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out.

He leaned over to her, so close they were both breathing the same air. He just stared at her, god. She touched his face, beard clinging to her fingers, and decide to close the gap between them with her lips. The sensation was magnetic. The warm of her lips felt embracing, evoking thousands of memories inside his head.

After a moment, he pulled away gently, admiring her with a gape expression. Natasha opened her eyes and met with his, long seconds of silence sharing intimate things none of them could tell. Oh, there it was.

And they kissed again.

The feelings flourished, Bucky had a firm grip on her waist, desperately trying to get a grasp of reality, while Natasha slowly slid her fingers into his hair. There was still so much passion between them. He still remembered how to kiss her, the way she moved her tongue, the way she liked it, oh, it was a delight being there to do it again. He was hypnotized, they were so immersed in each other, he was sure he moaned against her lips. Fuck, this was really good, but no. Not now, not here.

They pulled away, his eyes flickered at her swollen and pinkish lips. She loved the way he looked, the wild disheveled of his hair, the slight red on his cheeks and the glimmering on his dilated pupils that emphasized the eager fascination of his eyes.

“Then what do you think this is?” he asked on a hoarse and attractive voice.

“I don’t want to know what this is.”

“I like it that way.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really couldn't think of a way to end this, don't hate me.

**Author's Note:**

> The title of this chapter was inspired by Lovefool by The Cardigans.


End file.
